What's the Secret?

We were getting ready to order our meal at a restaurant celebration planned by our sons to honor our 40 years of marriage when the server asked us a question and said she would give us time to think about the answer.  “What’s your secret (for staying together that long)?” were her words, and we began to ponder how we would answer.

A couple months earlier, when faced with quarantine time together at home 24/7, I had begun to think about similar things.  Retirement is closer than ever but not yet imminent for my husband, and we both decided during stay-at-home time that we weren’t quite ready for that reality!  I began to contemplate why that was so.  While I had no thoughts of wanting out of my marriage, I discovered that I’m not willing to give up my comfortable self-imposed schedule or my alone time yet.

At the beginning of our marriage, we were anxious to spend every minute together, and we focused our lives on shared interests.  But marriage doesn’t feel the same after 40 years as it did at the beginning.  Although we have always been very family-oriented and equally enjoyed our children and now our grandchildren together, life responsibilities have focused us in different directions from each other for nearly all of our marriage.  One of the fallacies of the Western model for retirement is this: after creating separateness for most of their lives, older couples are suddenly supposed to enjoy spending every minute together.  But neither of us is exactly the same person as when we got married, so this might not come naturally.

Then I realized that we didn’t unify ourselves when we were young marrieds, God did.  He is the only reason we have lasted for 40 years, and he can and will continue to unify us in our twilight years if we continue to trust him fully.  Without God, we are helpless and hopeless; but nothing is impossible with God.  In fact, he is even able to reveal himself and do his work in the middle of our sinful mistakes and selfishness.  The things that could serve to separate us are the very tools he uses to draw us closer to each other . . . if we let him.

Marriage is hard work, but thankfully we don’t labor alone.  No, today doesn’t feel like our wedding day; and life has thrown us some unanticipated curveballs along the way.  But here’s how we answered our restaurant server’s question: First of all, God has always been at the center of our relationship and marriage; without him, we might not still be here forty years later.  Secondly, divorce has never been an option for either of us; we’ve made the choice to stay with each other no matter how difficult the other person can seem at times.  And thirdly, we have allowed each other to grow and become different people – even when that growth leads us down paths we never envisioned in the beginning.  

If we trust God, then even change is part of the story he is writing; and we have always wanted to be willing vessels to be used by him – both together and separately.  As we prayed in a song at our wedding, may our life together be a sermon from him to those around us.  And may he continue to write our story in the future for his glory alone.